Playing Dress Up

Playing Dress Up
Brenna wearing Mama's hat.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Memories with Brenna

In the spring of 2005, a few months after my husband's death, Brenna and I embarked on a trip to Washington, D.C. This is the summary of our journey to speak before an FDA panel. I loved those special moments with Brenna and will miss my little navigator. The voice on the Garmin won't be the same. Please enjoy the memories of that trip with me.

*****

On the evening of March 31, 2005, Brenna and I began our trek to the FDA hearings in Gaithersburg, MD, in our old 1984 Southwind motorhome.
The journey was impeded by a few challenges with the motorhome, but God had someone in place to answer our needs along the way. The prayers of friends had gone before us and prepared the way.
In Kearney, NE, we faced the first challenge with a broken fan belt. A local RV shop stopped what they were doing to get us on the road.
After leaving Kearney, we stopped for lunch in Bruning, NE, at Betty's Cafe. If you are ever in that area, please tell them we sent you. It is good home cooking and the company is friendly. As I listened to their conversation about a school going up on the auction block, I dreamed of what could be done with the school for women damaged by silicone who needed a place to live. Brenna was afraid I would put in a bid and hurried me out before I called the auctioneer to place a bid. :-) Neither of us had a clue how we could get the money to fix it up.
In Concordia, KS, the air conditioner cover began to bang in the wind. We slowly nursed the motorhome until we got to Salina, KS. During the night, the high winds came up and dropped the cover right in front of the door. The next morning a shop fit us in to fix it and get us on our way.
After leaving Salina we began to experience a belch in the fuel system but could not find a shop close by to get it fixed. We stopped at Walmart in Junction City, KS, and the staff there encouraged me to try STP in the tank. We purchased 4 bottles, added 2 to the tank and headed out the next morning. It ran like a top, until we got to Kansas City, MO. There, along I 70, we had another problem and stalled right across the interstate from an RV dealership. They sent a mobile mechanic to our rescue.
Thanks to Abe Thompson of Grain Valley, MO, the problem with the fuel line was fixed. After the repairs were complete in Missouri we were faced with the daunting decision of turning back or going on. We decided if the motorhome would go the next 100 miles without a problem, we would continue. The motorhome has been runnning great since Abe fixed it. Thanks, Abe.
That night, the motorhome officially became known as Helen...named Helen Keller who beat the odds against the fates life had handed her.
Singing "Get thee behind me, Satan", we crossed MO, ILL, IND, OH, WV, PA, and MD without a problem. We arrived at the hotel in Gaithersburg on April 10th at 4 PM.
As most visitors to the site know, Inamed was defeated at the panel level and Mentor was approved with nine conditions. We are glad we had the opportunity to stand before a governmental panel as little Davids and speak up to the remaining silicone giants.
On the night of the 13th, tired and facing a long trip home in Helen, a waitress who had befriended us at the N DC Hilton, encouraged us to stay another night and start out the next morning. It was wise advice. Thank you Brenda for extending your hand in friendship and sharing your smile and joy of life with us. If you are ever near the N DC Hilton in the evening, stop by and give Brenda a hug from the two Idaho travelers.
Brenna and I left Gaithersburg, MD on Thursday the 14th, heading across northern Maryland and West VA. What beautiful scenery! We are thankful for the chance to see this part of the country. As we viewed the beautiful farms along the way, we were so grateful to a loving God who had given us strength for the journey and put us in the right place to get problems fixed when needed.
At Friendsville, MD, we encountered a problem with tires and a blow-out on the driver's rear side. It was close to quitting time and our cell phone could not get a signal. As we began our walk into town, a pickup began backing our way. A gentleman by the name of Marlin Larson had come to see what he could do to help. Marlin called a tire shop to have two new tires delivered and installed before dark. Thank you, Marlin. These two Idaho ladies have made the trip safe and sound.
We had one other major problem but that was not the problem of the motorhome. Tired and exhausted, I pulled in to New Castle, IND to fuel up. Brenna went inside and I fueled up. Only when I tried to re-fuel the auxiliary tank did I realize I had just put 48 gallons of diesel in the motorhome.
Thanks to the night manager at Flying J, Jamie, she had the phone number of a person who could fix the problem. When she called him, he was onsight working on a truck and came right over. He was glad I had not started the motorhome as that would have presented a whole host of other problems. He went home to get the equipment and came to drain the tank after he was finished with the other job. For the night, we sat before the fuel pumps at Flying J. The Flying J staff was wonderful to us and there was no fuss about our blocking a lane for the entire night.
As for the mobile mechanic, when we left, he gave me his card and said he would find someone anywhere in the nation if I had a break down along the way. It didn't matter where I was. His wife would search the internet for me within the organization they belong to that is dedicated to having certified mechanics to help people like me who have problems along the road. Thanks, Dana and Deb, we made it safe and sound.
A wonderful historical place to visit is the Pioneer Arch in Kearney, NE. Brenna and I stopped to spend the afternoon, re-living the history of the pioneer's journey west along the trail that eventually became known as the Lincoln Highway and is today called I 80. The first pony express route came this way as well as the first telegraph lines and today's first fiber optic lines. The arch begins on the north side of the interstate with the pioneers and takes you across the interstate and back into modern times. Heading west? This is well worth the stop.
We had one other minor problem across Wyoming. The winds were high and the snow was coming in huge flakes, that pounded the windshield like baseballs. We heard a strange noise and when Brenna looked out her window, she noticed the awning had come loose. Helen sounded like a giant butterfly flapping in the wind.
We were close to WY mile marker 260 near Elk Mountain, WY and got off at a shop there where they very kindly fixed the awning with bungie cords. Thanks, folks, I didn't get your name, but you know who you are and where you are.
We made it almost to Rock Springs without another mishap until the awning came lose again about 25 miles from town. We put on the hazard lights and slowly traveled to Rock Springs. The awning did not rip. Thank God for that. I could not fix it in the high wind.
We spent the night in yet another Walmart parking lot. The following morning, their staff sent me to a local RV shop to have it fixed. We drove slowly to Don's RV shop, where they stabalized the awning frame and once again, we were on our way home. He told me to go through Kemmerer, WY to escape the storm and winds. Thanks for that advice. It was a beautiful drive and the storms were all around us. While we ran into some snow, it was not hard to drive through and the winds were much less than we had experienced across NE and WY.
Brenna and I arrived back in Idaho, safe and sound to our Boise home. We are grateful for this chance to be in DC and speak on the dangers of silicone gel breast implants. We have enjoyed the scenery along the way and have marveled at how awesome God is.
Helen has completed her mission for us. Brenna and I have decided to get Helen ready and sell her. She is running great now. Her bugs have been worked out. She will make someone a nice motorhome for traveling the countryside to view the wonders of God as we have done. [Helen actually ended up being used as a parsonage in southern OK.]
Some have thought us crazy for this trip. Friends not only cheered us on, they prayed each mile of the way...and when we called in, discouraged and feeling so alone, our friends lifted us up.
Whatever the reason for the trip, it was in God's plan and in his hands.
Thanks to all the angels along the way and for those angel friends who prayed for the success of this trip.
Pam and Brenna

Friday, May 25, 2012


I can breathe a bit easier today. The final revisions have been submitted to WestBow Press.

Watch here for the release date of Condemned to Die: Ask me how. Tell me why.

Today, I appreciated the comments of Vice-President Biden as he shared the pain he felt at the loss of his wife and daughter.  I appreciated his honesty on how he felt. He has traveled this road.

Tomorrow will be difficult. Tomorrow marks the 2nd anniversary of the day the nightmare began, the day I found my beloved Brenna unresponsive.

I miss her forever.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Condemned to Die: Closer to release

The cover design is back for review. When I saw the SKU, it hit me. Not long to go but it is more real today than it was yesterday. I was in awe the other day when I got the publisher copy for my final review and revision and saw the page that said "copyright", then I saw that it has been assigned a number for the Library of Congress. Brenna's story is official.

I am proud that a picture Brenna took herself will be the background picture for her Miracle Tree. It looks good. This is what I have written for the back of the cover.
Condemned to Die is Brenna’s valiant journey to recover from her sudden, medically unexplained anoxic brain injury. After sixteen months, she joined hands with Jesus and was restored to health in his kingdom. She passed along the baton to her mother, to give voice to the deficiencies in our healthcare system for all patients who suffer hypoxic or anoxic brain injuries. In her honor, this is her story. To God be the glory.
Condemned to Die: Ask me how. Tell me why.
is the story of my daughter Brenna’s valiant fight to recover from her anoxic brain injury.
I am her proud mother. I spent over six thousand hours in sixteen months by her side. I am a widow and Brenna was my only child, the
child of my heart. She was not a burden. Taking care of her was never a sacrifice, and I am no hero. Along her journey,
we experienced the underbelly of today’s healthcare system, but along the way, God gave us strength for each day.
Before Brenna’s illness, she always reminded me that God had a plan for her life. I thought the voice people heard would be hers. She passed away on October 1, 2011 of a sudden cardiac arrest at twenty-eight. She passed the baton to me. Her voice, her story, resulted in this book. She would expect nothing less from her mother.
Along with writing her story and my reflections of the journey, in Brenna’s honor, I will go to Washington to advocate for changes in the healthcare system for patients who suffer a hypoxic or anoxic brain injury. Her last sixteen months must count for something. Her life cannot be in vain.
Proceeds from this book will go toward establishing Brenna’s Hope Foundation, with the focus on research
in rehabilitation of patients with a hypoxic or anoxic brain injury.

As soon as I get the revisions reviewed and back to the publisher, it will be ready for print and assigned a release date.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Food for thought


Has one of your parents ever completely shocked your socks off? My mother did: years ago.

For years, Mom seldom gave any statement about things political. That was my father’s job or right as the head of the household. Then Daddy died of a massive heart attack in 1981. Ted (Chisai) was killed seven months later when a young man ran a stop sign, and my youngest brother got married: All in 8 months. Mom had a lot of grieving and adjusting to do.

Mom was a prayer warrior and a pastor’s wife. From the time she was little, when Mom prayed, she reached Heaven. When Dad served little churches and there was no one to play the piano, Mom chorded the old hymns. Mom, as far as I knew, never wrote a letter to any elected official about any issue.

As she grew older and survived many health problems and the family losses, she kept her thoughts to herself most of the time. However, on one of my trips home with Brenna, someone on TV was talking about prayer in schools, how prayer needed to be brought back.

I noticed my mother in deep thought, her head resting on her left hand, one finger on her cheek. She pursed her lips, shook her head, and I heard her say, “Don’t want prayer back in school.”

After I picked up my chin off the floor, I asked her why.

“Because. If we bring back prayer in schools for Christians, then all the other religions will want their kind of prayer, too. I don’t want my grandchildren exposed to those other gods.”

I was stunned at her comment. Then in the months of Brenna’s illness, I read Sen. Danforth’s book on politics and religion. He made the statement that the United States was no longer a Christian nation. We are a mix of many faiths and many ethnic backgrounds and all must be recognized as equal. That was food for thought.

While Brenna came to our family VIA adoption, she carried many traits of her grandparents. Brenna was like my mom on issues. She thought hard before commenting and her statements gave me something to remember, perhaps a new idea that would change my way of thinking on issues.

I miss my mother and her insight.

I miss my little girl and the wisdom she shared with me.

I hope that someday, someone can say the same about me that somewhere I shed a bit of light in someone’s life and allowed change to come to my heart and ideas.

Monday, May 21, 2012


This is Brenna, sitting on the side of the bed 6 weeks after her brain injury. The therapist who was working with her believed in her ability to recover. Unfortunately, that precious therapist had a parting of the ways with her bosses and was no longer working for the hospital after this picture was taken. When we lost this excellent therapist, Brenna spent many days without therapy.

The system was the roadblock in recovery for her as it is for the recovery for hundreds of other patients with an anoxic or hypoxic brain injury.

One of Brenna's favorite things to say to me: "Mom, it is OK to stand alone when standing alone is the right thing to do."

She was so wise and her Mama misses her wisdom.

MY ANGEL GIRL



This is Brenna at 18  years of age. I have chosen this photo for the address labels to send out notices for Condemned to Die: Ask me How. Tell me Why.

I want recipients of the notices to visualize who she was before she became ill. Five days from now will mark the day that changed our lives forever.

A parent's broken heart never mends. We just pick up the pieces, patch up the heart, and stumble on through life.

She was my pride and joy, more than a daughter. She was a blessing and the best friend I ever had.

Condemned to Die: Ask me How. Tell me Why.

Condemned to Die: Ask me How. Tell me Why. is in final revision. This is my last opportunity to make author changes. For those who have waited so long, I thank you for your patience and your encouragement every day. Proceeds from Condemned will not go toward making me rich. That isn't God's plan. The proceeds will fund Brenna's Hope Foundation to fund research into the recovery and rehabilitation of patients who suffer an anoxic brain injury.

Our government is not funding research for  rehabilitation and recovery of anoxic brain injuries. It is left to those of us who have walked this journey to see that research is done. There are so many things that need to be done, but in the words of a gentleman I met many years ago, "If everybody did a little bit, no one would have to do a lot."

I keep looking at the retreat Brenna wanted to buy for Type I diabetics. It is still for sale. I talk about this property in the book. It sits on over 100 acres and has an indoor, covered swimming pool that can be covered for an exercise floor. I look at the small private lake and I dream of a pier where a person with an anoxic brain injury can sit on the pier and fish. I see the woods and I think of the wild life that abounds that could get the attention of patients.

This property would be an excellent place for people in the early stages of recovery from an anoxic brain injury to rehabilitate, and a perfect place for family members to learn the best way they can work toward a goal of restoration of the brain with their loved ones.

With my long journey with Brenna, I am convinced that our country and the rest of the world has the treatment of patients with an anoxic brain injury totally backward. Yes, they can survive. Yes, they can get better. They deserve more treatment days than what is allowed for a knee surgery.

Be a partner with us. Please watch for the release date of Condemned and help make Brenna's Hope Foundation possible.

As her mother, I do not intend for BHF to be a money-making scheme for me. I made up my mind long ago, that BHF will not pay me a salary. My personal needs are few and simple.

Cancer Free

Today marks the 37th anniversary of being cancer free.

At the young age of 27, I became one of the youngest people in my state to be diagnosed with breast cancer. I underwent a radical mastectomy. While that news is devastating to a young woman, the bad news came a few days later.

My doctors told me that, because of the type of breast cancer I had, a pregnancy would be 100% failure. He said that if I lived through a pregnancy, I would not live long enough to see the child raised, possibly not even enter school. I had no children. This news tore my heart out.

I went through all the stages of grief. One of my doctors had calmly warned me of what I would go through on my journey to recovery.

My marriage ended. The breast cancer did not cause the marriage to fail. The breast cancer was perhaps the last straw. To be honest with myself, we were two people who should never have married.

I married again. Six years later, God placed a beautiful baby girl in my arms. She was as close to being like me as if I had her myself. Many times, I told her that my father and brother, who died before she was born, had marked her just for me. She looked like me, but in many ways, she had the traits of Ted (Chisai).

With my whole heart, I loved that little girl and nothing will ever change.

Shortly before she became ill with her anoxic brain injury, Brenna encouraged me to write MY life story. She felt that as a young breast cancer survivor, as the survivor of an abusive marriage, and the survivor of  total and failed breast reconstruction, that my story would benefit others.

I didn't realize that within a few short weeks, our world would turn upside down and the story to tell would be hers.

Will I ever get around to writing my story? God has not called me to do so. Brenna's story was 30 years in the making. Hers is the story he wants me to share.

As soon as this last revision is complete, I have plans to introduce the book in Spanish.

Friday, May 18, 2012


On July 26, 2009, Brenna took three photos at Niagara Falls that are outstanding. Not because of the Falls, but because of the clouds.

Until weeks after Brenna died, I hadn't touched her camera. I felt it was a violation of her privacy. However, when I downloaded the pictures onto my computer, I was astounded at what I saw.

In one picture is an image of a man, hair flying behind him as if racing across the sky. I call that photo, The Forerunner.

In the second picture, taken a few minutes later, are two male images, both with right arms outstretched as if they have slain the enemy. I looked at the picture and said, "Behold, He Comes!" A friend said he could see the wings.

The third picture is symbolic and is not yet named. One cloud looks like a penguin on its belly. As I had worked with Brenna and read to her, I read a story about a purple penguin. I asked Brenna if penguins were purple. She looked at me and shook her head "NO".  She KNEW that penguins were supposed to be black and white and she let me know that she knew.

In the clouds behind the penguin are the beginnings of two words. A friend increased the size of the picture and gave me an excited call. She said that in the face of the penguin is the image of a woman with her hair in a bun, welcoming a younger female person.

Yes, to some, these are just clouds. But others see the images. God sends messages to us in various ways.

Hallelujah! AMEN! The interior layout of Condemned to Die is complete. Now they are working on the cover. We are perking along and a few days ahead of the schedule they projected last week. That is a blessing.

The cover background will be a picture that Brenna took herself in 2005 when we were on our way to DC for an FDA hearing. The photo of Brenna's Miracle Tree was taken by our friend, Mike Herzog who ordinarily works with wild life photos. Brenna would be pleased with both choices.

This book is God's plan and He is in control. My heart hears that song, "Here He comes! Riding on the clouds." When God is in control, things work out to his benefit.

The staff at WestBow Press have been great to keep me informed. WestBow Press is a division of Thomas Nelson. And they have great patience with the little old lady who is learning that she CAN learn new things.

I am working on the address list for mailing out postcards to radio and TV stations, as well as churches. If you have a TV or Radio station you would like notified of the release, PLEASE let me know.

The email address for Condemned to Die: Ask me How. Tell me Why. is condemnedtodie2012 @ gmail.com. (I spread out the email so sniffers don't pick up the address and start sending loads of junk.)

God bless and thanks for all the support.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Condemned to Die: Ask me How. Tell me Why. is closer to release. The book is in the layout/design stage. It should be back for approval of the eproof by May 31st. I look forward to your responses to the book.

Condemned will be released to Amazon, Barnes & Noble and will be available in Kindle format.

Condemned is the 16 month's journey my daughter, Brenna Deshawn Dowd, traveled on her road to recover from a medically unexplained anoxic brain injury on May 26, 2010, following a retina repair surgery.

Condemned explores a mother's reflections on a broken health-care system that will not allow a person with an anoxic brain injury to receive adequate treatment for rehabilitation and recovery.

As I grieve my loss and reflect back on the last 30 years, I have come to understand one important thing. This book is God's plan.  Condemned  has been 30 years in the making. Brenna's life was a journey. Her life was God's plan.

As she said to me the morning of her retina repair surgery, "God has a plan for my life. I don't know what it is, but God does have a plan." Condemned to Die: Ask me How. Tell me Why. is God's plan for Brenna's life. This book, sharing her story is the only thing that makes sense. Brenna would expect nothing less of her mother, even in my grief.

God honored me with her life. He honored me with those last 16 months.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A special Mom

God sends special children to moms who will love them unconditionally. Through these special children, God has a message for the world.

This link came to me and I want to share it with everyone who stops by. I admire this young mother. God honored her with Christian. She shares Christian with a world where it is so common to stare and offer judgmental advice.

http://www.godvine.com/Mother-s-Inspiring-Video-About-her-Blind-Baby-Boy-1484.html

Friday, May 11, 2012

Mother's Day 2012



Mother’s Day

I am a mother: through the grace of God, a young birth-mother Shawn, and the blessing of my only child who allowed me to love her and be her mom.

As I face the first Mother’s Day without my biggest blessing and best friend, I hold in my hands, not what she gave me two years ago, but what I gave her.

You see, I came to realize that Mother’s Day wasn’t about ME getting. It was about me GIVING honor to this precious young lady who was my heart and soul.

On that Mother’s Day before she became sick in 2010, I had given her a bracelet, pendant, and earring set that shows she was in the heart of God. My being a mother was only because of her birth.

I am thankful for the blessing. She was my joy, the center of my heart. I will miss her forever.

Love never ends and a mother’s broken heart never mends.

I loved her before she was born. I loved her all the days of her life. I will love her as long as God gives me breath.

Brenna Deshawn Dowd, I am so proud to be your mother. Forever and always, I will always love you.

Friday, May 4, 2012


Yesterday morning, God gave me a special gift. I saw a glimpse of Brenna. She was laughing. What a joy it will be when I see her again. Meanwhile, I continue with the job she left me to do, tell her story.

I haven't been to sleep tonight and morning will soon dawn. Brenna and I were up so often in the middle of the night after she completed her class work. That was when she loved to take our trips to look for deer in the neighborhood. Sometimes we saw other critters that roam in the night, an owl taking flight, wolves chasing a deer, a young buck that tempted us to follow him down the road, and a badger waddling across our path.

I can't break the habit of being awake at these hours. But never again will I be out late at night, prowling around, looking for God's creation after dark. Those times were reserved for Brenna, my buddy, my pal.

Brenna girl, in the blink of God's eye, Mom will be there with you.