February 22, 2012-She was ready.

Where has the time gone? I ramble around the house, waiting on one voice. I know I will never hear my Brenna's voice this side of Heaven again, but the longing is so strong at times. I just want to be with HER.

I start projects, only to move to something else. Without my beloved child to share these things with, things are just stuff and the house is just a building, not a home.

I understand the grief my mother had at the loss of my younger brother, Ted, also known lovingly as Chisai, in 1982. Her heart always grieved for him until her own death December 13, 2009. Her love and grief came from a mother's heart. It wasn't that she loved him any more than the rest of her children. His death left a marked hole in her life, a place that no one else could fill. Losing a child is a life-changing experience. There IS no forgetting. There is no such thing as closure. Closure is such a fad word, used by the unknowing people who have never walked in these shoes. Unless someone has faced that demon, they can have no understanding of the loss of a child.

I understand the grief my husband's Aunt Jennie had at the loss of her only child and her husband. I understand why she only wanted to go home. I understand the empty feeling she had. Yes, we can fill our days, as Aunt Jennie did, with activities, but nothing fills that empty place where once love bloomed bright and warm, a place no one else can fill. Yes, Aunt Jennie had many relatives who loved her, but none can compare to the relationship between parent and child. Our children are our future. They aren't supposed to die first.

I think of Grandma McIntyre who lost her first born at the age of 14 to leukemia. Grandma always missed her first born. As a child, I had no way of understanding that grief. I do now. I understand now why many years after Aunt Hazel's death that Grandma still stood by her grave and wept.

I think of all those horrendous events in Brenna's life that could have been better for her if our health care system had not been so broken. I think of all the things I wish I could have done differently. I think of the things God has in His plan for me to do.

I know one thing. Brenna would want me to continue on, to march toward making changes in the system, to make things better for others, that they do not have to face the same obstacles she did.

One day as I sat at my desk, writing a chapter in her book, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I asked God "Why her? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Why not someone who has made a total mess out of their lives? Brenna's heart was pure gold. She had a heart of great compassion toward others. She was good to her mother. She was yours. Why?"

In a still small voice, God gave me the answer. "Because she was ready. They aren't."

I miss those times when I curled up in her hospital bed with her, reading her devotionals, talking to her about the wonders of God. Now, she is experiencing them first hand. When my time on earth is over, I want to experience all those joys with her.

In Brenna's honor and to God's glory, I have put her story into a book: Condemned to Die: Ask me how. Tell me why. I did not write this book in bitterness. I wrote the book in love. To have changed anything in the book to spare the feelings of those who may read and be convicted, would not be true to Brenna. I had to tell the story as it happened, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Please keep on the look-out for Brenna's valiant journey, reaching steadfastly to recovery.

Brenna girl, IN THE BLINK OF GOD'S EYE, MOM WILL BE THERE WITH YOU.

Did you know?

I do not want Brenna's life experiences for those nightmarish 16 months to be in vain. Someone must learn from her experiences. DC must wake up. All God's children must re-examine where they stand on death for those with brain injuries. What percentage of brain injury do you feel is acceptable to end life before the practice becomes legalized murder or euthanasia?

Many nursing homes and Long Term Acute Care hospitals are not equipped with brain injury certified therapists to give the right kind of therapy in the early days. They won't tell you that. Families have to learn that for themselves. Facilities will give inconsistent simple range of motion exercises and do little in repetitive motion to repattern the brain. All this while making a family feel good that anything at all has been done.

Patients with an acquired brain injury are shuffled from one facility to another on the health care assembly line, most taken care of by staff who have reached the status of LPN, licensened practical nurse. LPNs make daily life and death decisions based on their limited education. Doctors frequently rubber stamp whatever the LPNs request, to the detriment of the patient. This repeatedly happened to Brenna with her diabetic care.

Brenna was a brittle diabetic since the age of 6 and was treated as if she were a Type II by many professionals who refused to use the protocol she used at home. Her blood glucose counts bounced from a low of 38 to a high of 500 in the care of professionals. When at last I was able to get her home and out of the clutches of institutions, her BGs stabalized. It took me almost 16 months to be allowed to take her home. That should never have happened.

Our system does not have a shared protocol for therapists to use for brain injury rehabilitation. It is long past time for those protocols to exist. Families should not have to begin the search each time a brain injury happens.

Did I know that brain injuries are given a coma function designation? I had to learn about the Glasgow Coma Scale and the Rancho Los Amigos scale on my own. Doctors never told me, not even the two neurologists that saw Brenna.

Did I know that many doctors who instruct families to end life have little or no specialized education about brain rehabilitation? No, not until I met a cold-eyed/hearted doctor in ICU whose main goal appeared to be my daughter's death.

Did I know that the United States had no published peer-reviewed studies on rehabilitation of acquired brain injury in the past 25 years? Not until I began looking for them. Yet, doctors in ICUs use out-dated studies, if they exist at all, to pressure families into ending life before all tests are completed. Doctors are not giving full disclosre to families who are forced to make the decision to end lilfe.

Did I know specialty hospitals existed for rehabilitation for brain injuries? I had to find them with the help of a good friend who spent countless hours looking for a hospital to accept Brenna.

Did I know that therapists or rehab hospitals should be brain injury certified when my daughter first became ill? No, and no one told me. I had to discover that information in a book six weeks before my daughter's death.

Did I know that brain injury rehab hospitals have a quota on patients with acquired brain injuries? No, I had to find that out from an evaluator from a large brain injury rehab hospital a month before my daughter died. From her words, the hospitals must accept 35% of the brain injury patient load as ABIs and they are seeking to have that percentage reduced in Congress. They receive Federal funds to which we all contribute, yet they do not want to accept our patients for rehabilitation. That is America's Shame. The Congressional Brain Injury Task Force should be addressing this inequality of treatment for ABIs. If you live in the district of one of them, please contact them until they hear the message.

Brenna's loving mom, Pam

Condemned to Die: Ask me how. Tell me why.

Coming Soon

Condemned to Die: Ask me how. Tell me why. chronicles the valiant journey of my daughter to recover from a medically unexplained anoxic brain injury, AKA as acquired brain injury (ABI). She fought the battle against a broken health care system for 16 months. She and thousands of other patients like her deserve better treatment than she received. While Brenna joined hands with Jesus on October 1, 2011, many others face a similar fate in underequipped, poorly trained, inadequately staffed nursing homes and hospitals across the land.

I served my daughter and my God for over 6000 hours in 16 months, loving and caring for a special young lady who deserved more from the system than she received. God honored me with her presence. I give him the honor and glory by telling her story that others may not suffer the same fate.

Watch for Condemned to Die: Ask me how. Tell me why. When published, I will announce the release date on this blog.

Thank you.

Brenna's loving mother, Pam