February 22, 2012-She was ready.

Where has the time gone? I ramble around the house, waiting on one voice. I know I will never hear my Brenna's voice this side of Heaven again, but the longing is so strong at times. I just want to be with HER.

I start projects, only to move to something else. Without my beloved child to share these things with, things are just stuff and the house is just a building, not a home.

I understand the grief my mother had at the loss of my younger brother, Ted, also known lovingly as Chisai, in 1982. Her heart always grieved for him until her own death December 13, 2009. Her love and grief came from a mother's heart. It wasn't that she loved him any more than the rest of her children. His death left a marked hole in her life, a place that no one else could fill. Losing a child is a life-changing experience. There IS no forgetting. There is no such thing as closure. Closure is such a fad word, used by the unknowing people who have never walked in these shoes. Unless someone has faced that demon, they can have no understanding of the loss of a child.

I understand the grief my husband's Aunt Jennie had at the loss of her only child and her husband. I understand why she only wanted to go home. I understand the empty feeling she had. Yes, we can fill our days, as Aunt Jennie did, with activities, but nothing fills that empty place where once love bloomed bright and warm, a place no one else can fill. Yes, Aunt Jennie had many relatives who loved her, but none can compare to the relationship between parent and child. Our children are our future. They aren't supposed to die first.

I think of Grandma McIntyre who lost her first born at the age of 14 to leukemia. Grandma always missed her first born. As a child, I had no way of understanding that grief. I do now. I understand now why many years after Aunt Hazel's death that Grandma still stood by her grave and wept.

I think of all those horrendous events in Brenna's life that could have been better for her if our health care system had not been so broken. I think of all the things I wish I could have done differently. I think of the things God has in His plan for me to do.

I know one thing. Brenna would want me to continue on, to march toward making changes in the system, to make things better for others, that they do not have to face the same obstacles she did.

One day as I sat at my desk, writing a chapter in her book, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I asked God "Why her? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Why not someone who has made a total mess out of their lives? Brenna's heart was pure gold. She had a heart of great compassion toward others. She was good to her mother. She was yours. Why?"

In a still small voice, God gave me the answer. "Because she was ready. They aren't."

I miss those times when I curled up in her hospital bed with her, reading her devotionals, talking to her about the wonders of God. Now, she is experiencing them first hand. When my time on earth is over, I want to experience all those joys with her.

In Brenna's honor and to God's glory, I have put her story into a book: Condemned to Die: Ask me how. Tell me why. I did not write this book in bitterness. I wrote the book in love. To have changed anything in the book to spare the feelings of those who may read and be convicted, would not be true to Brenna. I had to tell the story as it happened, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Please keep on the look-out for Brenna's valiant journey, reaching steadfastly to recovery.

Brenna girl, IN THE BLINK OF GOD'S EYE, MOM WILL BE THERE WITH YOU.