18 months and it still hurts

I wish I could affirm that the pain of the loss of a child gets easier to bear. I don't think that ever happens when you lose a child. The pain doesn't get easier. What gets easier is the ability for a parent to hide the pain from others.

That is what I feel. A deep loss and a pain that cuts through my heart and soul. A pain that never goes away. Eighteen months ago, I told my daughter that it was alright to leave me, Go to Granddaddy I said. But, oh how I longed to keep her with me. If only I could have waved a magic wand and erased those 16 1/2 months of pain for her. But it wasn't to be. I had to release her to our loving God.

I look happy on the outside, but inside my heart hurts. I miss all the times we had together. I miss her presence. I miss HER! No one will ever replace her in my heart, in my life.

The pain won't go away, but when I go outside that door, no one will see how deeply I hurt, how deeply I long for just one more glimpse of my only beloved child, Brenna Deshawn.

And there are days when I just feel tired, tired of having to be strong alone. That is what holidays do to me, Zap my strength and remind me again, that the most important person in my life is no longer with me. Some days I just wish there were someone who would let me lean on them to carry my grief for just a few minutes.

Let me be weak. Don't expect me to stand strong all the time. Some days I just can't do that. Not for anyone.